Bisexual people make up the largest portion of the LGBTQ+ population in most surveys, and they're also the most likely to feel invisible. The combination has a specific cost: bisexual people in long-term relationships, especially ones that look heterosexual from outside, often have their identity quietly forgotten by everyone — including, sometimes, their own partners. The erasure isn't dramatic. It's the slow accumulation of being unseen.
What bisexual erasure actually looks like
It's rarely overt. The patterns:
- "You used to be bi, but now you're with a man, so you're straight"
- "Bisexual women are just doing it for attention"
- "Bisexual men are just gay men who haven't fully come out"
- The bisexual partner in a long-term opposite-sex relationship being assumed to be straight by every new acquaintance
- Family pretending the bisexual identity was a phase that's passed
- Queer spaces sometimes treating bisexual people as not fully queer
- Straight spaces treating them as not actually straight
- The internal pressure to "pick a side"
- Media representations where every bisexual character either ends up straight or ends up gay, never staying bi
Each of these is small. The accumulation, over years, isn't.
The double-bind
Bisexual people often don't fit cleanly into either community:
- In straight communities, their queerness is suspect or dismissed
- In gay/lesbian communities, their straight-passing relationships are sometimes treated as escape hatches or evidence they're "really" straight
- The result: not fully welcomed in either, with less community to fall back on
This is one of the documented reasons bisexual people have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and substance use issues than either gay/lesbian or straight populations — they're missing the community resources both other groups can draw on.
The "what's the point of being bi if you're with one person" question
This question, even when asked by well-meaning partners, misunderstands bisexuality. Sexual orientation isn't about who you happen to be sleeping with. It's about who you're capable of being attracted to. A bisexual person in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man is still bisexual; the orientation doesn't expire when the dating ends.
The analogy: a gay man who's been single for ten years is still gay. The lack of a partner doesn't change his orientation. Same logic applies to bi people in long-term relationships — the orientation isn't determined by current relationship structure.
What the erasure costs
For the bisexual person:
- Constant low-grade work to remind people of who they are
- Self-doubt about whether the identity "still counts"
- Loss of community connection
- Loneliness about an aspect of self that's nowhere visible
- Sometimes: dampened sexual self-knowledge, since the part of attraction that doesn't get expressed in current relationship goes underexplored
For the relationship:
- The partner missing a real part of who their partner is
- Sometimes assumptions about loyalty or temptation that aren't grounded in reality
- The bisexual partner sometimes feeling unable to fully bring themselves to the relationship
For partners of bisexual people
If your partner is bisexual and you're the same gender / different gender / wherever:
Don't make their bisexuality conditional on whether they're "expressing" it
The orientation is theirs whether or not the current relationship structure exercises both sides of their attraction. Treating it as past-tense ("she used to be bi") erases part of who they are.
Don't assume their bisexuality is a threat to monogamy
Bisexual people aren't inherently more or less monogamous than anyone else. The fear that "they want both, so they'll cheat" is a myth and an insult. Cheating is a behaviour issue, not an orientation issue.
Don't treat their queerness as your sexual entertainment
Specifically common with male partners of bisexual women: treating the woman's bisexuality as a source of fantasy or potential threesome rather than a real aspect of her identity. The "have you ever been with a girl?" curiosity that becomes "would you do that for me?" is a particular kind of erasure.
Do mention their identity occasionally, naturally
Saying "my wife, who's bisexual" or "my husband, who's bi" in contexts where it's relevant treats the identity as real and present. Not constantly — that's awkward. But occasionally, naturally, in ways that signal you remember.
Do support their queer community connections
If your bisexual partner has queer friends, queer events, or wants to maintain connection with the LGBTQ+ community, support that. The identity benefits from community even when the relationship structure doesn't currently express it.
For bisexual people navigating long-term opposite-sex relationships
Some practical things that help:
Maintain queer community
Friendships with other queer people, occasional queer events, online queer spaces — all maintain the part of you that the relationship doesn't currently express. Not as a threat to the relationship; as part of staying yourself.
Talk about it with your partner
Periodic conversations where the orientation is acknowledged as still real. Not constant, but enough that it doesn't become invisible. "Hey, I'm still bi, by the way" said once a year keeps the awareness alive.
Read, watch, engage with bisexual stories
The cultural representation of bi people has improved but is still thin. Seeking out bisexual writers, characters, and creators feeds the part of you that the everyday world doesn't acknowledge.
Don't let the relationship become the whole identity
This applies to everyone in long-term relationships, but especially to people whose identities risk being subsumed. Maintain interests, friends, and self-development outside the relationship.
For bisexual people navigating same-sex relationships
The reverse pattern can also happen — a bisexual person in a same-sex relationship sometimes finds the bisexual identity submerged into "now I'm gay/lesbian, basically." The partner may prefer not to think about the opposite-sex attraction; the queer community sometimes welcomes them more readily as gay than as bi.
Same principles apply: maintain the bisexual identity even when not "exercising" it. Don't let community pressure quietly redefine who you are.
The internal work
Some bisexual people internalise the erasure to the point of doubting themselves: "Am I really bi if I'm in this relationship? Have I lost the right to claim it?"
The answer is no, you haven't. Orientations don't expire with relationship structure. The part of you that's bisexual is real even when the current relationship is monogamous and visible-from-outside-as-straight.
If self-doubt is loud, journalling about your actual attractions (past and present) helps anchor the truth. So does conversation with other bisexual people who've navigated the same thing.
The wider cost
Bisexual erasure is part of why bisexual mental health statistics are worse than either lesbian/gay or straight populations. The lack of community, the constant identity work, the partial belonging in multiple spaces without full belonging in any — all of these compound.
Addressing erasure isn't just about individual relationships. It's about visible bisexual communities, accurate media representation, and treating the identity as real rather than as a temporary or transitional category.
The bottom line
Bisexual people in long-term relationships, especially heterosexual-passing ones, often experience their identity being quietly erased — by partners, family, friends, both queer and straight communities. The erasure isn't malicious but the cumulative effect is significant.
Both bisexual people and their partners can do work to keep the identity visible: maintaining queer community, acknowledging the orientation occasionally and naturally, treating it as ongoing rather than past-tense, supporting the parts of self that the current relationship doesn't directly express.
Your bisexuality doesn't expire when you settle down. It's real, it's lasting, and it deserves to be seen.
