"Asexual" is one of the most misunderstood orientations. Most people, hearing the word for the first time, assume it means "doesn't want any kind of relationship." That's not what it means, and the assumption causes real difficulty for asexual people trying to date and for partners trying to understand what's happening. The honest version is more interesting and more workable.
What asexuality actually is
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in partnered sex. It's an orientation, not a behaviour. Asexual people may or may not have sex; the orientation describes the absence of attraction, not the absence of activity.
About 1% of the population identifies as asexual, with broader percentages identifying as somewhere on the asexual spectrum (greysexual, demisexual, etc.). It's a real and recognised orientation, not a phase, not a disorder, not the result of low hormones.
The split-attraction model
This is the framework that resolves the confusion. Most people experience attraction as one thing — you're attracted to someone, full stop. The split-attraction model recognises that attraction comes in different kinds:
- Sexual attraction — wanting sexual contact with someone
- Romantic attraction — wanting emotional, romantic intimacy with someone
- Aesthetic attraction — finding someone visually appealing without wanting either of the above
- Sensual attraction — wanting physical closeness (cuddling, hand-holding) without sexual context
- Platonic attraction — wanting friendship, deep connection, without romance or sex
For most people, sexual and romantic attraction line up — they want sex with the same people they want romance with. For asexual people, the two split apart. They may want romance without sex, or sex with specific conditions without much general interest, or many other configurations.
The terms within the spectrum
Asexual (ace)
Lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or experiencing little to no desire for partnered sex.
Aromantic (aro)
Lack of romantic attraction. Some people are aromantic but not asexual; some are both; some are neither.
Demisexual
Sexual attraction develops only after a strong emotional bond forms. Demisexuals don't experience sudden attraction to strangers; sex enters the picture once intimacy is established.
Greysexual / grey-ace
Experiences sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or only under specific circumstances. The "grey area" between asexual and allosexual.
Allosexual
Not asexual — experiences sexual attraction in the typical way. Useful term for distinguishing the experience without making "non-asexual" the default.
Romantic orientations within asexuality
Asexual people can have any romantic orientation:
- Heteroromantic asexual
- Homoromantic asexual
- Biromantic asexual
- Panromantic asexual
- Aromantic asexual
The combinations clarify what someone wants. A heteroromantic asexual woman wants romance with men but not sexual contact; an aromantic asexual person wants neither. Both are valid and structurally different.
What ace relationships actually look like
The shape varies enormously. Some patterns:
Two ace partners
The simplest case structurally. Both partners are aligned about sex (low/none/conditional), and the relationship operates on emotional intimacy, shared life, romantic gestures, sometimes sensual closeness. Many ace-ace relationships are deeply happy; the absence of sex isn't an absence of intimacy.
Ace-allo relationships
The mixed case. One partner is asexual; the other isn't. These can work well with explicit conversation:
- The allosexual partner may have their sexual needs met within an open or polyamorous structure with their ace partner's consent
- The ace partner may be willing to engage in sex sometimes (without the same enthusiasm), as part of partnership
- Both may decide that sexual frequency at a low level is acceptable to both
- Sometimes the relationship is structured around intentional non-sexuality
What matters is honest negotiation, not pretending the asymmetry doesn't exist.
Aromantic asexual structures
Aromantic asexual people often build life around close friendships, queerplatonic relationships, family, or chosen family — without the romantic pair-bond as the central structure. Real, fulfilling lives that just don't fit the cultural template.
Common misunderstandings
"You just haven't met the right person."
The most common dismissal asexual people hear. Implies that asexuality is a deficiency to be corrected by the right partner. It isn't. Asexuality is an orientation, not a waiting state.
"It must be a hormonal issue."
Most asexual people have normal hormonal profiles. Asexuality isn't low testosterone or low oestrogen; it's the absence of sexual attraction with normal underlying physiology.
"You must have been traumatised."
Some asexual people have trauma; most don't, and the trauma isn't what causes the asexuality. Conflating the two is offensive and incorrect.
"Asexual people can't have happy relationships."
Plainly false. Many asexual people have deeply fulfilling relationships, including romantic ones. The structure is sometimes different from allosexual relationships; the satisfaction is real.
"Demisexual is just being a normal woman / responsible person."
Demisexuality is a specific orientation pattern. The misconception that it's just "having standards" misses the point — demisexuals don't experience sexual attraction at all without the emotional bond, while allosexuals can experience attraction without it (and may choose not to act on it).
For partners of ace people
If you're partnered with someone who's asexual or somewhere on the spectrum:
- Don't take the lack of sexual attraction personally. It's not about you.
- Don't try to "wake up" their sexuality. The framing pathologises them.
- Have honest conversations about what you each want from the relationship
- If sex is important to you and your partner can't provide it, that's a real conversation to have — not an accusation, but a structural issue to address (open relationship, ending the relationship, finding compromise, etc.)
- Treat their orientation with the same respect any other orientation deserves
For ace people figuring it out
If you're realising you might be on the asexual spectrum:
- You're not broken. The orientation is real and recognised.
- You don't have to be sure of the exact label. "Probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum" is a fine working description while you figure out the specifics.
- You can have romantic relationships. The vocabulary above (split-attraction model, romantic orientation separate from sexual) gives you the words.
- You don't owe anyone sex to maintain a relationship. If a partner won't accept the asexual aspect of who you are, that's information about whether the relationship is right.
- Community helps. AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) is the largest online space; smaller communities exist on Discord, Reddit, and elsewhere. Finding people who've navigated this helps significantly.
The South African context
Asexuality has even less visibility in South Africa than in some other countries — the LGBTQ+ conversation here has historically focused more on gay, lesbian, and trans identities, with less coverage of the asexual spectrum. That's slowly shifting. Online communities are accessible regardless of location; in-person community is harder but exists in major cities.
The bottom line
Asexuality is a real orientation, distinct from other identities, and not a problem to be fixed. The split-attraction model — separating sexual, romantic, sensual, and other forms of attraction — clarifies what's happening for ace people and how their relationships can work.
Asexual people can have rich relationships. Allosexual partners can love asexual people. The structures sometimes differ from the cultural default; the depth of connection is no less real.
The work is honest conversation about what each person wants and needs, on terms that don't try to convert anyone to a different orientation. Done that way, ace and allo coexist often beautifully — and ace-ace and aromantic structures are their own complete forms, not deviations from a norm.
